Following several requests for a 'Funny Page' on Pilton.com...
Please Note: Some jokes may have content that is unsuitable for minors. Some JOKES may also offend the highly religious. Please do not read these jokes if this concerns you.
SCAM WARNING !
"Just got scammed out of £25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled
"My favourite 18 holes"
Turns out it's all about golf.
Absolute waste of money.
Please pass this on so others don't get scammed!"
The Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot... There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.' The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.' When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised..
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith"
We know that most of you have probably cleaned the outside of your computer screen from time to time, but, have you ever considered the importance of cleaning the inside of your screen? No? thought not...Well click the link below to get it done.
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds, even with millions of Euros worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds.
But, within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for a dozen bottles of Stella, a kilo of cannabis and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
Dutch Interviewer Loses It!
(This video takes you to youtube)
A Dental Appointment
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it costs for an extraction.
"£85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.
"Och, huv ye no got nothing cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," said the dentist.
"What about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70", the dentist replied.
"Hmmmm, what about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic," said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40," said the dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction and the other students watching and learning," said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose. I'll only charge £10 in that case," said the dentist.
"Wonderful," said the Scotsman... "Can you book my wife in for next Tuesday."
The Drunk
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today, because they really annoyed me me.
And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work:
12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Friday
And most importantly, please help me to remember:
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to annoy me, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, yet only 4 muscles to extend my arm and smack the idiot in the mouth!
